Self-Loveless Relationships
It took me years to understand what was missing from my marriage. We were far from perfect but we had a solid foundation. We were sexually intimate, dated each other, communicated openly most of the time, co-parented peacefully, and prayed together… from my perspective, no matter how limited at the time, we had what others would recognize as a healthy marriage. But there was still a disconnect that I felt. There was something between us that kept a silent undertone of frustration that I couldn’t pinpoint.
I later learned that there were needs my husband had that I wasn’t meeting. Although this information was deflating, I continued to try to fulfill him to the best of my ability. I tried more sex, more communication, more catering, less criticizing, and less needy… and although these adjustments were well-intentioned, they still didn’t seem to achieve the level of closeness I knew we could reach. I got to the point where I would ask him directly, “What can I do to be the wife you need.” His response consistently would be, “Focus on yourself.” Initially, I was livid. His words were received as passive rejection. This question was difficult for me to ask and rather than give me some direction, it felt like I was being brushed off. I was doing everything I knew to do and was met with lackluster reactions to my effort. But believe it or not, that was the problem. While I was doing everything I knew to do, there was (and still is) so much I didn’t know. Not just about him but also about myself.
Eventually (and begrudgingly), I followed his advice and began to focus on myself. That didn’t mean I neglected him, but I took the sense of urgency off of figuring out how to be his wife and placed it on figuring out how to be the woman I desire to be. That looked like therapy, journaling, exploring my passions, being more social, studying my faith, reading books to renew my mind, taking accountability, and addressing past pain and trauma. And through that journey which I plan to be on for the rest of my life, I discovered the disconnect. I discovered what my husband was trying to help me see through his gentle suggestion; I was in a self-loveless relationship.
Many of us hold the belief that the people we care for (spouses, significant others, children, etc.) become our number one priority once they enter our lives. We subconsciously believe that if we care for them, they will in turn care for us in all the ways we want and need. Or we become hyper-focused on loving outwardly that we forget the importance of pointing our love at ourselves. I avoided my self-care journey for a long time and for many self-sabotaging reasons. Now that I’m in it, I recognize the ways that my previous mindset was holding me back from being the best version of myself. Coincidentally, that version of me falls more in line with the needs and desires that my husband was missing. And that version of me falls more in line with the confident and courageous energy I am working to walk in daily. It turns out that self-love truly is the best love.
