Breaking Unhealthy Cycles
Why do we practice the same self defeating behaviors over and over again? We move through life carrying our trauma on our shoulders and receive the same results of displeasure and discomfort. We subconsciously (or sometimes consciously) lead with our trauma and become frustrated with the dysfunction that is our life. We enter the same types of relationships with the same types of people. We carry ourselves in the same ways claiming to “accept ourselves” but secretly desiring change. We make the same mistakes and get the same results but blame external circumstances for why things didn’t work out. We over exert ourselves at work with no benefit other than mental, emotional and physical breakdown yet we get up and do it all over again the next day. We create a habit of stress and practice it consistently. We have no boundaries but get frustrated when we are taken advantage of. Why?
Our unhealthy cycles begin long before we realize they are being created. What’s worse is that we learn to identify with these parts of ourselves as a form of coping and become tied to them. Even when these characteristics are hurting us or the people we care for, we cling to them in a desperate attempt to maintain a sense of self. Personally, I can remember telling my husband on several occasions that this is who I am and he either needs to accept me or not. Reading these words now shows me how dysfunctional my thinking was and how stuck I was in my journey. I felt like a product of my experiences. I was focused so much on the injustices of what I couldn’t control about my life that I didn’t realize all that I could. We fail to realize that we have the power to choose who we are and what our life looks like. Coming to understand that fact may not rewrite the past but it gives you perceived power over your future.
Identify What Is Holding You Back
Unfortunately, I have put myself in each of the above mentioned scenarios, but I had to decide that enough is enough. I got tired. I got tired of shear exhaustion, hindered relationships, poor communication and toxic cycles. Tired of dreading the start of my day worrying about what was to come and how I may be hurt or disappointed. Tired of failing to rest at night because my mind was racing with all of the perceived mistakes I had made that day. In my exhaustion, I decided to take a step back and identify what was really going on. Taking time to reflect on what was holding me back was a difficult but necessary step in taking control of my life circumstances. I had to identify what was holding me back so I could figure out how to move forward. I had to be honest with myself about my unresolved childhood trauma and how it showed up in my marriage, parenting and personal relationships. I had to stop avoiding my past and begin looking at it as a tool to learn. In my deep dive towards self realization I have learned that I had no example of submission, I didn’t feel like I had a voice, I was looking to earn love rather than accept it, I lived in lack due to fear of loss and the list goes on. My dysfunction still shows up in my life but because I am an active participant in sorting it out, the consequences I experience as a result of it are beginning to decrease.
Change Your Behavior
Due to my former lack of awareness, I found myself continuously making the same mistakes. I didn’t understand what I was doing so of course I had no idea how to adjust my behaviors. In my marriage, we fell into a rather incessant cycle. I would make repetitive missteps such as making assumptions, being careless with my words or lacking accountability. Despite my avoidance of the subject we would discuss what happened and eventually I would emotionally and often begrudgingly apologize for my part. This continued for years often speaking about the same behaviors within different circumstances. Eventually, my husband coined the phrase, “the best apology is changed behavior” and that became a part of the cycle as well. It wasn’t until began to really understand the root of my behaviors that I was successful at making change. Without direction, anything can turn into chaos. Growth and healing are no exception. I had to recognize my dysfunction, work to understand it and also identify what kind of woman I want to be instead. Once I created a clear direction for my healing, I began to see a shift.
Be Consistent
I’ve learned that in the past I haven’t been a self disciplined person. It was easy for me to follow steps that someone else laid out for me. In fact, following the instruction of another filled me with the desire to earn their approval so I would always knock it out the park. But when it came to naming, working towards and accomplishing my own goals, I would start strong but get distracted or discouraged ultimately leading me to a screeching halt. In school, we are taught repetition. We learn course material and review it continuously until a test determines whether we retained it. But even that practice lacks consistency. After we take the test, in most cases we never return back to that specific content and eventually lose it because we aren’t using it. I was never taught how to be independently consistent long term. The practice of goal setting, goal achieving, effective communication, healing and growth is not actively taught in school. These are often passive lessons that rarely get brought to the forefront of our minds if at all. It isn’t enough to know our strengths, weaknesses and traumas. We must make it our mission to consistently seek opportunities to make different choices. We must be disciplined in our efforts to break the unhealthy cycles we have developed. We don’t choose our circumstances and often don’t have control over most of what happens to us. But we can control the way we perceive our experiences and choose a different outcome for our lives.
