Rebuilding Broken Trust
It can be earth shattering when someone we love betrays our trust. Each time, the picture we have of them shifts changing the way we view them as a whole. Our impression of them changes as we are face to face with their imperfection. The trust has been broken and we are unsure if we will ever be able to trust them again. We stay because we love them and believe we see something in them or maybe because we are so comfortable in our situation and don’t have the energy to try something new. But everything they do looks different. Every move they make is met with suspicion. We question them and they get angry because they are being accused of current actions based on an old mistake. And the cycle continues. Sounds familiar, right? So many couples find themselves in this toxic cycle following an incident where trust has been broken. But with the right perspective, the hurt in your relationship can be healed and you can obtain the healthy relationship you are looking for.
(1) Decide to Forgive
Making the decision to forgive and move forward is an important first step to rebuilding broken trust. This doesn’t mean to simply express your forgiveness but to live in that space. Forgiveness is something that has to happen every day. We have to remind ourselves we have extended forgiveness when we are reminded of the hurt or emotionally triggered without warning. While it can feel difficult to move pat hurt, it’s unfair to hold someone emotionally captive due to their mistakes. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your triggers or lingering pain. Just as the offended must walk in forgiveness, the offender must be open to hearing and understanding the pain that was caused. But there is a line between expressing pain and trying to cause pain as a form of penance. If you are unable to move out of the past and live in the moment, it may be best to move forward separately.
(2) Own Your Part
It may be a difficult pill to swallow but broken trust doesn’t happen over night. It is a culmination of moments that eat away at emotional security, intimacy, and trust. While there may be one person who commits a more substantial hurtful act, there tend to be several smaller incidents that get the relationship to that point. Owning your part can be challenging; particularly when you may feel you haven’t committed any trespasses against your partner. But if we are honest with ourselves, we can recognize areas where we too have dropped the ball. That could look like passively accepting triggering behaviors, lacking in communication, being combative rather than solution oriented or neglecting your partner’s needs due to lack of know how. Regardless the situation, everyone plays a part and it is important to identify what your part has been and what you can do to improve your actions in the relationship moving forward.
(3) Get on the same page
We all have expectations of what we desire our relationship to look like as well as expectations we have from our partner. Surprisingly, we rarely take the opportunity to discuss these standards and assume that because we love our partner, their desires will automatically align with ours. This assumption is part of what can lead to relationship disconnects and broken trust. If your trust for your partner (or vice versa) has already been broken, taking the time to establish your desires and nonnegotiable standards moving forward can get you on the same page. What do you consider cheating? Will we keep our finances together or separate? How much quality time do we expect versus independent time? Establishing answers to questions pertaining to the functioning of your relationship will provide a clear and solid foundation moving forward.
(4) Commit to Healing
Whatever we focus on will grow. If we focus on the pain someone has caused us, that pain will magnify and appear to be the largest barrier in our lives. But if we focus on healing and forgiveness, those perspectives will expand in our lives. Healing takes commitment and without committing to the process, we will continue to walk in our pain. If you and your partner decide to commit yourselves to each other and the prosperity of your relationship, you will see it grow because you are focusing on its growth. We have the mental and emotional power to create the relationships we desire. But we must decide, be transparent, be intentional and commit.
