Make It Last: Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Last week, we celebrated our ninth year of marriage (no applause, please. Lol) and while I reflect upon our journey, I am met with memories both fond and indifferent. Like all relationships, we have experienced our version of highs and lows and have had to consistently revisit our image of "The Websters" and make amendments to our life plans. Every moment hasn't been the perceived #CoupleGoals that social media so effortlessly depicts. They have been a mass array of opportunities to grow into ourselves both individually and collectively. As a result of that willingness to evolve, we rather intentionally have stumbled into some vital realizations that will serve us in maintaining our version of peace and happiness as we continue down our road of oneness.
The health of your relationship is a rather subjective perspective. In terms of day-to-day logistics, no relationship is the same. We all have intimate idiosyncrasies that make our union ours and comparing or judging those characteristics is like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole; one is not suitable for the other. Love is at its most natural state when it is applied without condition. And if we are working to share our life with another, part of our #RelationshipGoals need to be to find ways to practice what we perceive to be positive relationship health. And while no two connections are the same, there are some approaches to your intimate union that we believe to be universal signs of a healthy relationship.
(1) Acceptance
This may seem like an obvious trait of a strong relationship but I've learned both personally and professionally that complete acceptance of another is more infrequent than one may think. As humans, we have a nasty habit of trying to guilt or manipulate others (even in kind and subtle ways) into acting in a way that is desirable to us. We try to manage their imperfections or even love them in to change. These approaches are the opposite of acceptance and often lead to frustration, resentment, and lack of appreciation. It's much easier to find someone we accept completely than trying to force someone into making changes they aren't ready for or don't see as necessary. Total acceptance of another adds value to the intimate bond, creates an atmosphere of trust, and produces feelings of safety and security.
(2) Mutual Respect
People's definition of respect often differs and having a clear understanding of what this looks like to one another within your relationship is vital to ensure it is implemented in a way that is received by all. Some ways to show respect within a relationship are active listening, understanding each other's boundaries, mindful communication, demonstrating trust towards one another, and taking accountability for your actions. Feeling respected by your partner creates a perceived value in the relationship and a solid foundation to build upon ultimately providing a dynamic of honesty and trust.
(3) Unconditional Positive Regard
An alarming rate of couples hold consistent negative feelings towards each other but choose to remain within a toxic situation. They focus on each other's weaknesses and continuously nag or passively pick the other apart. When we spend our time focusing on areas where we may believe improvement is needed within another, it often overshadows the effort that they are putting forth. Ignoring your partner's strengths amid their journey towards growth leads to a lack of appreciation which can grow into more severe emotions such as resentment, anger, and bitterness. Viewing your partner with unconditional positive regard focuses your attention on their positive attributes and allows them room to learn and grow. No one comes preassembled. We all are works in progress and showing your partner grace as they discover themselves is an act of love. Remember that your relationship is a choice and if you are no longer able to see your partner in a positive light, a transition may be in order.
(4) Open Communication
Sharing your life with someone else can feel complicated. You are both navigating your worlds while working to find the time to meet somewhere in the middle creating a world that represents both of you. Open communication is a way to bridge that gap and ensures you are growing together rather than apart. Sharing about your day, being transparent about your feelings, and volunteering information about yourself rather than waiting to be asked are some ways to do your part to contribute to the positive communication within the relationship. When there is missing information within communication, we naturally create an explanation that helps us make sense of the disconnect. With open communication, there is less opportunity to fill in the blanks and create our unspoken truth because we are providing each other with context to our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
(5) Work on Yourself
After I reached a certain level of maturity within my marriage, I began asking my husband for things that I could do to show him the love that I may not already be showing. For the past several years his response has been, "Continue to work on you". Initially, this response was frustrating. I had finally reached a point where I was open to his direction (being open to being led took me a minute) and it felt like he was rejecting my effort. I finally realized that this was him leading me towards the best version of myself which in turn encompassed the wife he desired. He understood something that at the time, I was blind to. He understood that as we heal and grow and evolve, our relationships follow suit. In presenting the best version of myself I have been able to be more open and less defensive. I have learned from my past and used it to enhance my future instead of running from it. I have been able to accept myself and him as imperfect people and find new ways for us to grow together. This has been a transcendent realization within my life and our marriage. I have learned that if the relationship I have with myself is toxic, the relationships I have with others will also be toxic.
