Normalizing Alone Time

I was talking to my therapist today and was describing a scenario that takes place more often than I would like to admit. I was invited to spend time with friends and when I wasn’t able to find childcare, turned to my husband for a solution. Of course he had no problem hanging out with the kids while I had some much needed “me time” but still, I felt guilt rising up on the inside of me. Guilt for taking a night off. Guilt for leaving him alone to solo parent without reprieve from our very loving but very strong willed children. Guilt because maybe some part of me believed I don’t deserve a break. I realized in this moment the pressure that I put on myself to show up for my kids, my husband, my friends, my family, but when it comes to myself I don’t have that same energy.

I continued to reflect upon this idea and recognized that it is something I’ve carried with me since adolescence (big surprise). As a kid I remember feel like an inconvenience to the people around me. There always seemed to be so much going on and I didn’t want to bother them with my concerns. I even took it a step further and worked to resolve the discomfort of others often putting my needs on the back burner. And one of those needs that I never realized was vital to my growth was alone time.

Part of the reason I was so unaware of my fears, insecurities and character flaws was because I very rarely spent time by myself. And the time I did spend with myself was watered down by television or a fictional book I stumbled across. I spent little time getting to know my internal world because I was so caught up with the external one. And as a result my concept of self, my growth and my marriage suffered. I’ve learned that there is a difference between being alone and lonely. A difference between being selfish and setting boundaries. And if anyone becomes angry with you because you don’t have your time or resources to give, they don’t have your best interest at heart.

While it is beautiful to have a kind and giving heart, balance and boundaries are necessary. Giving until your emotional tank is empty puts our own well being at risk. And when your emotional tank is empty, you have nothing left for the most important person in your life… you.